COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
opening twitter today
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Wednesday
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.