Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
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suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Not messing around
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.