[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.