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Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.


I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.


hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?


Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…


Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.


I use words like “acquiesce” and “ubiquitous” in daily conversation and then I throw in a “for reals yo” just to stay mysterious.


I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.