Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.