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@Ignorant_Indian

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@LisaMcAlister1

There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.

@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

@BreadFoster

Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.

@usermcuserface

Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@KentWGraham

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.