People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do
[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.
I’m tired of being –
Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.