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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?


Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!


There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.


I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting


Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil


Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.


Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?


There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.