ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Venn
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.