Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)