Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada