WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single