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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.


Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him


Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.


WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]


Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.


Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables