“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Breaking news:
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.