Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.