I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
the council will decide your fate
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.