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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.


*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.


yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road


My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.


I copied my bio from a used car website.

– White.
– Good condition.
– Reliable.
– Cheap.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.


My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.


Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro


[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa


“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion


Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive