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@ItsAndyRyan

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

@TitaniumToplass

use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying

@JustinSayne722

I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.

@BoogTweets

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

@OctopusCaveman

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

@peprally

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

@withanewname

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

@E_lok44

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.