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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.


Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.


use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying


I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.


[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building


Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent


Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.


[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”


Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!


She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.