@AllRickAndMorty
@JimmerThatisAll
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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@JimmerThatisAll
@E_lok44
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
@Ygrene
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
@man_spach
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
@Schmoodles
I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.
– White.
– Good condition.
– Reliable.
– Cheap.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.
@XplodingUnicorn
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
@junejuly12
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
@TheCatWhisprer
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
@gerryhallcomedy
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
@OctopusCaveman
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive