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@JKNenagh

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

@thebabylady7

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

@mompsychologist

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

@notnotscotty

volcanologist: WE’VE GOTTA GO THIS ENTIRE AREA IS GONNA BE COVERED IN LAVA!

me [standing on a sofa]: I’m good

@liv_thatsme

I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.

@Writepop

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

@HepatitisAtoZ

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

@thenatewolf

ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.

ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?

@AndRyanTF

I’m not high! – high people

I’m not drunk! – drunk people

I’m not lying! – lying people

I’m not gay! – my brother

@urmumsausername

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!