Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
volcanologist: WE’VE GOTTA GO THIS ENTIRE AREA IS GONNA BE COVERED IN LAVA!
me [standing on a sofa]: I’m good
I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.
ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?
I’m not high! – high people
I’m not drunk! – drunk people
I’m not lying! – lying people
I’m not gay! – my brother
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!