[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.