Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
You Might Also Like
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
This kid will have a bright future.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro