I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Ah yes. The three genders
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women