I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*puts my mental health in rice
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.