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@I_Disdain

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

@IndecisiveJones

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

@offbeatoliv

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

@dundlewood

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

@GrantTanaka

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

@FredPollack

I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.

@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.

@The_CamGirl

ME: I love the D
HER:Why?
ME:I love to lick them first
HER:…
ME:Then I love to swallow them
HER:…
ME:I love D

Dunkin’ Donuts Interview