Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
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My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I hate everything
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear