There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If you know, you know
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.