PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.