In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
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me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!