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@TheMichaelRock

Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?

@ICantEven001

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

@SwedishCanary

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

@ZaynabHashem2

2017 whatsapp notification:

Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you

@heckinglame

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

@TheCatWhisprer

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

@darksidedeb

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

@rn_murse

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

@VisionBored1

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?

Therapist: No.