*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
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That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”