Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
2017 whatsapp notification:
Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
Her: ‘Do I look fat in this?’
Me: ‘Do I look stupid in this?’
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?