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@burrowed_deep

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

@goldengateblond

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

@JohnHilsen

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

@mixedgrass

If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”

@ElleOhHell

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

@SucculentPizza

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube