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@MarfSalvador

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

@thestlouisan

My 5 year old just ended a phone call with “I gotta jump, Daddy. I’m out.”

And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.

@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

@SassyPantssss

I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

@iamjeffsloan

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

@TheAlexNevil

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

@tweetmommybop

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

@dadofbieber

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.