Are there any rules for lending your kids out as migrant workers?
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
New superhero: The Delegator
“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”
9: Can I sleep with you?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
Shoutout out to maps. I don’t know where in the world I’d be without them
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.