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[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died


My 5 year old just ended a phone call with “I gotta jump, Daddy. I’m out.”

And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.


having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex


I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.


I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.


*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”


We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.


Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.