Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth