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@FattMernandez

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

@mrtiredeyes

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

@Topcat_007

New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”

@BarlowAdams

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

@WittySassBasket

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@FlashShumway

Shoutout out to maps. I don’t know where in the world I’d be without them

@ItsDanSheehan

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

@FatherofTweet

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.