I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
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FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
@ candidates for local office
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.