Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My favorite female superhero
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from