My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
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(Ordering at restaurant)
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
2) My Best Friend
Sold my wife on ebay. Dreading the buyer feedback.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house