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Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.


ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?


After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.


I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…


me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti


odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.


I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it


Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun


Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.