Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.