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@hogrider05

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

@BoogTweets

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

@RunOldMan

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

@Marlebean

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

@hippocroteez

I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.

@ShesAllNat

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

@bonehugsnirony

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@Jacob_Swift16

Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house