[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Life cycle of cat
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.