What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid