@daddydoubts: New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice? Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

@imadepoopstoday: Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today. Then smile and walk away.

@IamEveryDayPpl: The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

@omibaloney: Don't be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.

@PyrBliss: If you don't swear when you're driving, you aren't paying enough attention to the road.