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@daddydoubts: New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice? Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
@imadepoopstoday: Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today. Then smile and walk away.
@IamEveryDayPpl: The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...