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“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer


Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.


Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.


Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.


Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*


I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.


Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.


Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.