@scottcpilgrim
@Home_Halfway
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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@Home_Halfway
@3sunzzz
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
@LosLos__
Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.~A parenting haiku.
@Awesomemom10
Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.
@shannabanana67
Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*
@CruisinSoozan
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
@zephyrs0phie
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
@TheCatWhisprer
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
@tat2dsoccermom
Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.
@AndyAsAdjective
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.