Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace