[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
You Might Also Like
Digital security in Ancient Troy
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form