10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
me working on my assignments ^-^
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I know
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right