10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
pelicons
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit