10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

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we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true


Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works


[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer


NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?


Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.


2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.


It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.


What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.


Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.


Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose