@shashaintl

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

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@JurassicPark2go

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

@BoogTweets

Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works

@andlikelaura

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

@Reverend_Scott

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

@kerihw

Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.

@trutherbot

2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

@cdpeck

It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.

@sgothreau

What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.

@BBQJones28

Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.

@MumInBits

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose