“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
College: Wake and Bake
Now: Woke and Broke
How does it feel?
“Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon”
And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow?