10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..