If a bear is chasing you, don’t run. Be very still and tweet about it because you’re about to die.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables
They taste like shit
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.
What can I get you?
I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life
-ride a bike
-read a good book
-make a sacrifice to the dark lord
-watch a sunset