10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

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If a bear is chasing you, don’t run. Be very still and tweet about it because you’re about to die.


I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit


INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.


What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American


When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.


*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”


Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.


Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart


u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life

-ride a bike

-read a good book

-make a sacrifice to the dark lord

-watch a sunset