10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet