10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
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If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
sistine chapel
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?