@JennyPentland

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

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@causticbob

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

@xLiserx

Rambo: First Blood (1982)- After the onset of his first period, Rambo struggles with the emotional roller coaster of becoming a woman.

@dumbbeezie

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

@bracealmighty

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

@TheNYAMProject

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

@ElizaBayne

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying