11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
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Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
This kinda thing happens to me often
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning