just leave it at the foot of the bed
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Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.