Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
11: Did it rain last night?
11: But it’s so wet!
Me: That’s what she said.
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
me: goodnight moon
moon: i have a boyfriend
I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle