11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.