11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Denise please return my vape pen
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
wow
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?