[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

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Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*


Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*


This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.


Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.


I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.


Q: When is Santa’s birthday?

A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th


My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.


It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house the creatures were digging through trash to find the toy they accidentally threw away


TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger


[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price