[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
this post was so formative to me
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot