Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”
Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Q: When is Santa’s birthday?
A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house the creatures were digging through trash to find the toy they accidentally threw away
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price