11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
You Might Also Like
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.