11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.