11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

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feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that


[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)


Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse


Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.


Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.


I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?


Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.


COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.


600 dollars is what rich people think poor people think is a lot of money