@AmandaRNH

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

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@ClichedOut

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

@Ygrene

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

@TheMichaelRock

Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse

@roxiqt

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

@sarahkendzior

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

@FeverFlave

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

@simeygibson

600 dollars is what rich people think poor people think is a lot of money