CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me: “bad friday”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
You’re in love? Cool, I’m in sweatpants.