11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
You Might Also Like
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you