11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.


New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?


Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers


Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess


I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.


I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.


My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”


If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.


Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times