@IDontSpeakWhine

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

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@rowdyforsheriff

I keep a Batman costume hanging in my closet in case I bring a girl home and she finds it

@blade_funner

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

@rachelle_mandik

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

@LoSucks

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

@msdanifernandez

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

@krishna_van

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

@dadthatwrites

My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”

@TheHyyyype

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

@RantingOwl

Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times