11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
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My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call