a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”