Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
11: You know what would be really ironic?
Me: No, what?
11: If someone died in their…living room.
The Twitter is strong in this one.
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The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*
“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.