@kcmoore51

11: You know what would be really ironic?
Me: No, what?
11: If someone died in their…living room.

The Twitter is strong in this one.

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@smokedesign

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

@miffedmim

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

@kentgrossarth

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

@SvnSxty

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

@thelateinnings

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

@PleaseBeGneiss

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

@HeroineAddict

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

@sofarrsogud

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

@MIKhanX

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

@IamJackBoot

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.