The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense